


Jesus Curses Grandmother Willow

by landofstarsandivory



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament), Pocahontas (1995)
Genre: Emetophobia, Gen, Just to be safe, if you dont ship jesus and peter get da fuk out od hr!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 20:38:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10048199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/landofstarsandivory/pseuds/landofstarsandivory
Summary: Mark 11:12–14 and 11:20–25Matthew 21:18–22





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Andy for inspiring me to write this in a Denny's at 11 pm on a Wednesday night

The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again". And his disciples heard him say it.

In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter remembered and said to Jesus, "Babe, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!" 

"There's still some snap in these old vines!" screamed the tree suddenly, startling the disciples and Jesus. Upon closer inspection, the men saw that an elderly face of a woman was carved into the shrunken trunk of the tree. To their horror, the old tree woman began to change and contort, bark shifting into a smile. “Don't be frightened, young man. My bark is worse than my bite.”

“Uh…” Peter said. 

“Say something,” Jesus told him. 

“What do you say to a tree?”

“Anything you want. Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes-”

The tree, a grandmotherly, willow-like type, snapped again, “All right! That's enough!” The men stared at her. “Listen fuckers, I haven't had this much excitement in 200 years.” Suddenly, she pulled up her withered old granny tree legs, and Jesus and the disciples realized that trees didn’t have clothes so all her old lady vines were hanging about. “Peace out, bitches!” Grandmother Willow shouted and took off running towards the desert. 

Traumatized, Peter turned to his boyfriend. “Babe?”

Shaken, Jesus tried to finish his proverb. “Uh… if you have faith and do not doubt…um…not only can you do what was done to the fig tree…fuck what the fuck Peter.”

Judas Iscariot threw up.


End file.
